Cristi:Tourguide to All Fantasy World Dropouts
by eomlas
Summary: As I was going around the house I tripped on something, then fell. I figured it was my own feet as usual, but as I looked up, my eyes went suddenly wide. Was I dreaming, or was there a little elf shoe in front of me? This couldn’t be Elfboy’s shoe couldr


Hi, my name's Cristi. I've been trying to entertain some…. Well, I'll tell you, and you can get the whole story.

It all started when I was inside the house. I was thinking of my parents and sis who had gone to see my bro on the shoot of the Pirates of the Caribbean. I heard my dog barking, so I went outside to check out the problem. My dog's pen is behind the house, so I made my way back there. I figured it must have seen a rabbit, but I needed to take the dog for a walk anyway. As I was going around I tripped on something, then fell. I figured it was my own feet as usual, but as I looked up, my eyes went suddenly wide. Was I dreaming, or was there a little elf shoe in front of me? This couldn't be Elf-boy's shoe could it? (I call Legolas Elf-boy sometimes) I looked up, blinked, looked back down, and said to myself "Yes, this was going to be another weird day." Istood up to see the personage in front of me better. Just as I feared. He was there all right.

Legolashelped me up, and said something, but I was too shocked to say anything. He led me around to the back First came Boromir with his hobbit friends Merry and Pip. And of course who would come next but Aragorn, Frodo, Sam, and Bill. The minute Legolas saw the others, he let out a hoot, and told the others to be quiet. I overheard him saying, "Hist, there is a fair Elven maiden in the wood. Let me speak with her as not to frighten her away."

Wow! I did not believe this. First, I see them, and then they call me fair Elven maid. This was going to be a weird, but it looked like I was going to have some fun. Boromir, "Hail and well met young maid!" Of course, I didn't know a word he was saying, as he thought me to be an elf, and therefore used the elvish tongue."Eh, hi." Aragorn raised his eyebrows. "She doth speak with a western tongue." I was curious, so I asked. "So, what are you guys doing in America? I thought you lived in Middle Earth. I mean, I've read all about you, and…. "What is this word that you speak, oh fairest maiden of the west?" Boromir interrupted him so say, "Doth thou mean we are no longer in Middle Earth? Where… oof!" He whirled around to find Merry and Pippin running around throwing pinecones in the air, and one had happened to hit him. Aragorn took over. " As my fellow was about to ask my lady, where are we?" p

Ok, I thought this would take some explaining. So first I would ask them into my house for dinner or something. "Um, would you guys like to come into my house, for dinner? You can watch TV or something while you wait, and then I can tell you where you are in comfort." They all agreed and came in. As they entered, the first thing they saw was the TV. I had left it on when I went out side. I was last to enter, and when I did saw them all grouped around the TV. Boromir spoke for them all. "What new devilry is this?"

I nearly laughed, but managed to keep it in. This was so unreal. I tried to explain. "It's like pictures that move on a piece of glass." They all stared at me. I tried again. "It's like people on a screen, but they're not real people." They all nodded back. Futhermore, even though he didn't talk much, Boromir stared at me all the time. I suppose all of them did. I mean, I couldn't help staring at them. This was so weird. "Ok," I said,"I'm going into the kitchen to cook something for dinner." Mom and Dad had left me some steaks in the fridge, so I grabbed all of them and stuck them in the microwave. While I was doing that, Boromir came into the kitchen and asked to help.

"Uh, sure. Grab some juice or soda in the fridge and put it in the glasses in the cupboard." He looked slightly confused and looked around the kitchen for the things I said. Oh dear, I had forgot. "This is the fridge," I said pointing to it, " And inside is soda and juice." He pulled the door a little, but it didn't open. He tried again, but it didn't open. I had turned my back, but quickly turned again when I heard the crash. Boromir had lost his temper and yanked the door open. On the floor was a glass bottle of ketchup. He was standing guiltily in front of it. This was going to be a long night. You know? Oh well. "Well Boromir, how about you just go with the others and watch TV." He scuffed his boots as he went out. More black marks on the kitchen floor to clean up.

After we ate, I asked if they wanted to watch a movie. Since they were entirely enthusiastic, I grabbed a movie off the shelf. Without looking at it, I put it in. Oh great I thought when it came on the screen. I had to pick the Two Towers. As the movie started, I found out that Frodo was asleep. He needed it. When we saw Gandalf fall, there was a scream and a crash. I looked around. Mom was going to kill me. And I sure hoped that Mom would understand that Frodo had broken her great grandmas crystal plate. And knocked over the new $4000laptop. And along with it a antique lamp. We turned our attention back to the movie.

I moved over as Boromir came from finishing his steak. He had really liked the barbecue sauce. I mean, it's pretty obvious when he empties the thing. (I had gotten it the day before) We sat for a while in silence. I thought it was a rather awed silence. I mean, how often do you find out that you made it into a big movie.

Once we came to the part where Faramir was talking about Boromir, Boromir started sniffing and saying he wished Faramir was there. I wished so too. I figured I was running out of tissues. Boromir was rather surprised that he died, but he got over it when I told him that it made him look heroic and that the fan girls were all over him.

After the movie, we saw the making of the Two Towers. It was a big hit. Sam was surprised when they showed the part where he hurt his foot. As he said, "Well, well Mr. Frodo. How did they find out about my accident?" He showed me his foot, although he insisted it wasn't glass. No sir, it was a knife it were. Merry and Pippin started yawning, I mean it was after all past 2 in the morning. I planned to take them out on a hike tomorrow to show them what Nevada was like. They weren't used to dry desert. If they had come after Return of the King, Frodo and Sam would know a little about it.

"All right everyone, lets find places for you all to sleep. All you hobbits sleep together. You can have the couch. Boromir and Aragorn, you two can sleep in the spare bedroom." Ok, that was all I could handle that night, so I said good night and went to bed. I had the weirdest dreams all night long. Like me falling into Middle Earth instead of them falling here. Like me being Galadriel (who is my favorite lady character) and all of that. Except now they aren't characters. They're real people. After all, I have them sleeping in my house, I mean, get real.

We woke up, and I took them out for a hike in the Lake Tahoe area. Boromir thought it was akin in some way to M.E. Come to think of it does kinda.

So there we were walking along, when all of a sudden there was a thunder of hooves. Oh boy, this was really crazy. I did not have enough room for the whole Rohan gang to store their horses at my house. Not to mention it, HOW WAS I GOING TO GET THEM HOME?

One day later, and pure and simple exhaustion. And home. Of course, on the way home for the last time, I had to run by Costco and grab some chicken legs. All in all, it looked like each meal was going to cost about 50 bucks.

Was I glad that Eowyn made it? Definitely. I had another female to help me with my preperation of food. To get everyone home, I had to make several trips. Thankfully, Mom has a big van. I used the big cattle truck from our old farm to carry their horses around in. I'm glad I have big stables. And not a lot of horses. Eowyn went shopping with me at Costco. She was very interested in learning how to cook right and the store. It was the first time she had been in a store. It was odd. It seemed like everyone remembered everyone.

Even Boromir knew who people were. I thought he was dead when Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli met the Rohirrim.

There were quite a few guys with beards, but I thought the nicest looking was Eomer. Besides Theodred (who I now adore) he was the handsomest of the lot! Once I got home for the last time, I collapsed in my big chair. The Rohan men were building houses outside for them to sleep in. It was still a little chilly at night. I had all the others move out of the house so Eowyn and I had it to ourselves. I am so glad that I don't have neighbors. Luckily I had gotten fire passes earlier in the season, so it was fine when they built fires. But I drew the line at trying to cook the chicken wings on sticks over the fire. Eowyn and I took them inside and made them the civilized way. As they were cooking, Eowyn and I made our way out. For drink, all I had was some soda, so I ordered the wise-in-the-way-of-food Aragorn to watch the chicken, and went back to Costco. I got 10 big boxes of soda. On the way back, I treated Eowyn to an ice cream cone. I got the feeling we were going to get along quite well.

When we got back, everything looked innocent enough, but I noticed that Theodred was missing. I went to the bathroom to brush my hair back, as it was in quite a tangle. But when I reached the door, I found about 12 Rohanese men crowded around a body. Once they figured out that I was there, they turned and tried to look nonchalant. Oh great! I had heard a spoof about something like this on Theodred, but figured he couldn't be that vain. Eowyn pushed forward and I heard from the midst, "Theodred?"

Like I figured, I was right. There was the curling iron, and water in the sink. I could see what the whole thing was about.

"Will you grab more ice from the freezer, Hamma? Yes that stuff there." We women were busy running back and forth from the bedroom to the kitchen for supplies. As you might not have guessed about what happened, I will tell you. Theodred had electrified himself while figuring out how to use the curling iron. He wasn't hurt badly, but Eowyn was so worried about him and pampered him, we had to be his constant slaves almost. (I think he liked all the attention) He had developed an unexplainable need for ice cream after we had "pressed" it upon him. I thought when people were sick they hated food.

I was just putting more ice on his forehead when the phone rang. Everyone in the room jumped. "It's ok everyone, it's just my communicator. While I am using it, please be quiet, no noise at all please!" I knew who it was the minute I picked up the phone. "Hello Cristi, wassup?" It was my best friend Audrey. The most Lotr crazy person that could ever occur to call. "Um, hi Audrey, listen, I have some, eh, friends over, could you call back like in 10 days and I'll tell you all about it?"

I suddenly realized I had said the wrong thing. Audrey was the kind of person that couldn't stand not to be told a secret once she knew about it. " Oh really? Tell me, who do you have? Let me guess, Orlando Bloom or maybe Karl Urban?" She had NO idea how close she was to being right. "I can't tell, you, but lets say I will tell you everything when they all leave."

"When they all leave? Ok, my curiosity it high now. Maybe I'll come and meet your buddies. See ya!"

Before I could do anything, she had hung up. Great. I had to get 100 people and horses out of here. Maybe I would send them to the woods. Before I made up my mind, there was a scream and yelling outside. I thought, oh great, Audrey's here. Eowyn came inside trying not to laugh, and told me that another girl like me had just driven up in a car.

I decided that I would go out in style. "Eomer? Will you accompany me to the door?" Of course, he was all too willing.

The sight we came upon was quite hilarious. A few of the Rohan men were forming a barrier wall around Legolas. Audrey was fighting desperately with two of them to get through. When she saw me and Eomer she just plain fainted. I asked Legolas to please carry her inside. He obliged happily. He knew that any girl that was crazy over him, he would like. She woke up on the way, peeked up at Legolas, and then I think I saw her eyes roll back into her head.

Once inside the house, I had every Lotr person get out of the house. Eowyn understood perfectly, so there wasn't a fuss there. How was I going to handle this? I mean, the way she is, she'll go on and on about it and be committed to an insane asylum. I would have to convince her that it was only the actors doing a scene at my house or something. But then I would have to hide Boromir, and ohhhhhhhhhhh! I was sonot prepared for this.

While deep in my own thoughts, I didn't notice her wake up.

"Was I seeing things back there or did I really see Legolas the elf Prince of Mirkwood? He was so cute! So what's going on here? It's not everyday that I see the Lotr people. And did I see you with Eomer? Oh geez, was it just me, or did Legolas have a look of adoration at me? Wheeeeee…ooffffffffff!"

I had to ask her to stop, so I threw a pillow at her head. She giggled. "Sorry Crissy, I just couldn't control myself."

I started to giggle. It was infectious I hadn't laughed all week except when Boromir insisted that he carry me across a stream that we passed on our hike up around Tahoe. I told Audrey about it, and that just made us giggle even more.

Suddenly we heard a shout outside. Audrey giggled even more. "Oh boy Crissy, I bet Boromir and Eomer are fighting over you. I wish Theodred was still alive. The pics of him from the Two Towers were sooooooooooooo cute!"

Theodred. I had forgotten that he was her biggest hero besides the Elfboy. I better break the news to her.

"Well actually Audrey, he's in the other room recov…."

Audrey broke me off. "You mean to tell me that Theodred son of Theoden son of Thengal is in the other room and I can go meet him? Where is he? I have to meet him!"

I led her into the next room after telling her what had happened to him. I felt slightly jealous when he immediately took to her. They had a nice little chat.

I went outside to see what the commotion was about. Actually, they laughing about a picture I had just got done of Legolas yelling on the hike because his braids were mussed. Or something to that effect. He was yelling for Boromir to stop playing with my camera actually, butI just put that bee in the Rohanesians ears. We really got a kick out of it. That was also the face he made when he found out that Audrey didn't like him as much as Theodred. Oh well, all elves aren't prone to jealousy. At least I hope. Personally, I thought that all of this was getting out of hand. What was I supposed to do?

Audrey spent that night at my house and was babbling about Theodred. When she finally drifted off, I just sort of lay there wondering how I was every going to get them all back before my parents and brother got home on Sunday night. I looked on the calendar. Today was Tuesday, so I still had plenty of time. If you could call five days a long time.

The next morning, I got up at 4 before everyone else, and went to the attic. We had an old wardrobe up there with a bunch of old fur coats. I knew that they would make a good bed for Eowyn. She was getting a little tired of sleeping on the floor. (Theodred was still pretending he needed care.) When I neared the door, I gasped and just about fainted. This was NOT happening to me.

"Listen Peter, the Mcredey and her whole gang are still out there. Better stay in for now. What an adventure we've had!"

As you may have guessed if you have read the Narnia series, you know that Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy were inside our old wardrobe in the attic. It seems like where one author's characters spring up, there the authors friend's (who also happens to be an author) characters spring up. Was I going to have the whole world of Narnia converging on me as well? I decided I had done well enough so far with the other "gang" that I could welcome the Pevensie children, as they were called, into America.

" They must have gone Edmund, I don't hear them anymore. Come on you lot, lets get out of here. Though I keep wondering where my beard has gone."

Peter came out first (I had hidden myself behind the door, but could see through a crack) and said, "This is jolly odd.

"I wonder what is going on this time! Edmund old chap, come out and cast your eyes over this. This isn't the spare room. There's furniture, and it's…what? Purple? Even the walls are that royal color. We must be in a palace. Unbelievable!"

Edmund came out (and if I might add, they are both very handsome. What's more, Edmund is my age, and Peter is a little older.) and also thought it very odd. Remembering their duty, they turned around and helped the girls out. Susan was very pretty. I knew I would have some stiff competition for Eomer and Boromir's attention. Oh well who cares? They would all be soon going back to their own times and places. Lucy was an alright girl. She had a more agreeable air to her.

"Peter, what's going on this time? I mean, weren't we on our way home? And this isn't exactly home."

I do wish you would stop whining Su. There's nothing wrong. It's just another jolly good adventure."

Lucy was beaming with pleasure. She loved adventures. Peter suggested that while they were there, they might as well explore the place.

A moment later, they were all standing around me, listening to me explain as to where they were, and what was going on. I was too tired at this point of unexpected visitors that I just got used to it. I wouldn't have been surprised if I saw Captain Jack Sparrow and Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann pop out of somewhere.

After I had entirely explained what was going on and who was downstairs, I told them to wait there and play some sort of game until I got back. I had to do a little of explaining to the whole Rohanese and Fellowship camp as to what was going on.

I went downstairs. Oh great Boromir had to get worried (I had been up there for about 4 hours explaining everything) and organize a search party. After I had assured everyone that I was safe, I called a meeting. I told them the same thing I had told P, S, E, and L. That's what I called the Narnia Group now. I told them about P, S, E, and L, and told them to be nice. The Pevensies weren't quite used to this sort of thing. I had a feeling I had already gotten TO used to it. I moved everyone to the outside fireplace and had a good blaze burning with chicken breasts toasting nearby.

I went back upstairs and brought them all down. They were quite amazed, and were all quite happy to be near food. It turned out that the last meal they had eaten was when they were hunting the white stag before they entered the wardrobe. I suppose for all of you who don't know who P, S, E, and L are, you'll want to know that when they cam out of the wardrobe, they had just been in a country called Narnia. They had gone in a wardrobe and had found themselves in the world of Narnia. For many years they had reigned as Kings and Queens of that happy country. (In Narnia, all the animals talk and are larger than usual. For instance, a mouse would be a foot tall or a rabbit might be the size of a dog.) Then in the hunt for the white stag that they had gone on, they had stumbled back into the wardrobe and back into our world. Although years and years had passed in Narnia, no time at all had passed in our world.

There, hope you kind of understand. Anyway, I brought them down, and had a feast of nearly burnt chicken breasts. It was a very jolly group. The Rohanesians were the most wonderful. Eowyn was the star of the show.

Of course, Eomer was brooding as usual.. While we were eating, I was figuring, that I could send them through the wardrobe, send them to Aslan, and then he could send them home. Or something to that effect. While I was thinking this through, I went inside the house to get a bandaid and ice for Legolas, as he had blondely put his hand in the fire to retrieve Audreys fallen chicken breast that had fallen in. A typical elf thing I mean, the tongs were right next to his hands. I think he wanted to show off. Either that, or he was just having a typical blonde moment. He was still enthralled with her, and she was more enthralled with Theodred. I thought I was going to have a hard time seperating them. I mean, there is no way Theodred could stay. I had already fought with her about it and told her that there was no way she could elope with him. He could never get used to the clothes, or the way of living.

So there I was, getting ice out of the freezerfor another wounded hero. Eowyn, and Susan came in, and we all started to talk. I had Lucy bring the ice out to poor suffering Legolas.

Eowyn and Su got along splendidly. They were soon giggling about every single slightly cute guy in the place. I think I had gotten enough of dirty stinky men in my house thank you. I needed no more experience. And who really cares, because we all have to say goodbye soon. Thinking of how I could do that was frightening. For one thing, to get them all up the stairs to the wardrobe was going to be hard, and I couldn't have a stable of 100 + horses. I mean, get real.

Soon people on the outside would hear about this. No one can have 200+ people and horses and get away scotfree. While I was thinking of this, Peter showed up and said that some strange personages had just waltzed into camp. By the description, I knew this was not my day. Or, excuse me, night.

Yes, it was those certain personages. They were a little distrustful of the picture I took, but later I found Jack holding it up to the moonlight and saying his regular "interesting." I also knew now exactly how I was going to get everyone out of here once I found out what was going on. What I was going to do was send them through the wardrobe, and hopefully, Aslan (He is the Son of the Emperor over the sea in Narnia. He is a lion) would send all of them where they needed to go. Perfect. If I could get them out of here day after tomorroww, I would still have some money to survive the week with. As things were turning out, if I didn't get them out of there, Sauron would be on my tail soon. I decided for now, we would go to sleep, and calm down. In the morning, I would take them to Lake Tahoe for a spin on Dads wonderful sailing vessel that we were given after my brother helped with the movie shoot of the Pirates of the Carribean. (Footnote: Of course this would not happen, but I just had to make it up.)

After a good night's sleep, we used the old cattle truck (we used to own a cow farm) and semi to haul everyone up there. I had a marvelous time. Mostly, we let ourselves be bullied around by CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow. (I called him Jack once, and he insisted that it was CAPTAIN Jack if nothing else) He's an excellent Captain though. Quite the stern in command type. (not) Here's a snap of Jack and Will demonstrating how NOT to pull the ropes.

Legolas and Will looked enough like brothers that we would have mistook them but for the blonde and ears of the elf. They got along quite well too. I think their brains were wired the same. Legolas tried to do his little skateboarding stunt on the top mast, but it didn't quite work if you know what I mean. Of course, we have some good memories. Like the part where we scared Will when we pretended to grab him, tie him up, and throw him overboard. I am soooooo glad I brought my camera! The invention of digital cameras is the best ever,

Though I think it was just plain hard to get Aragorn to let us braid his hair, and even harder to braid it. I mean, that has to be the oiliest hair ever. I bet if Arwen was there, she would have really screamed. It reminded me of the time when he fell off the cliff. I mean, it was just fun seeing him flop for the first few minutes. After that, he got rather used to the water and even liked it.

Yes I admit, that was after I pushed him in. I think he was angry enough to kill. He got over it though.

I was so absorbed in having a good time that, well, lets say some fan beach girls saw Legolas and Will, and we had to pile on every strip of canvas that we had. It was some tough pulling.

That is exactly what Legolas's face said. He was slightly upset that the girls were going more after Will. Oh well. When we had pulled down the sun, we docked and piled up. There was quite a bit of yawning. I knew that the next morning I had to say goodbye to The Lotr peeps, P, S, E, L, and now worst of all, Jack and Will. I was really going to miss all of them. I told them all to get a good nights sleep because they were soon going back to their various quests or homes.

The next morning, we were all up bright and early before the sun even. I was having the men spread tarps up the stairs for the horses to walk on. The plan was to let the Narnia gang go first, let them recruit Aslan's help, let the Fellowship take off, then the Rohanese types. Then Will and Jack could help me clean up, and them I would send them off. Audrey was heartbroken. She told me that she was staying until Theodred left, and then she would leave. Fine with me. Susan was just getting to really like Jack too of all people. But he has only one love. We all know that. The Black Pearl!

So, soon it was time to say goodbye to the Narnia group. That was too bad because I had gotten close to Peter, but oh well. I couldn't keep them here even if I wanted to. I gave them all hugs and said goodbye. I told them the address of where I was, and when they could, to come to this house and see if I was around. Of course, they would be really old when they came, but too bad.

Next it was the Fellowship (Su had come back and told us that Aslan approved. He would send everyone back to where they were supposed to go.) which caused many tears to flow, for we all knew that soon Boromir would be no more, and that was very sad. I told him that maybe he would come back here and he could become and Earthite. It cheered him up. He was like another big brother to me. It was hard saying goodbye.

The harder part was leading all the horses up the ramp and through the wardrobe without making a mess. It was a struggle, but we succeeded. Then it was goodbye to Eomer and Eowyn. They were like family now too. Even more so now that they had promised to try and come back to visit. While we were happily saying goodbye, there were many tears and crying from Audrey saying goodbye to Theodred. Of course, she knew that she would never see them again. When that was finally over, they all left, and the only place to find Will and Jack was in the kitchen. They actually did the dishes for me, but I went over all of them with a rag just in case. Then it was goodbye to them. That was the saddest part for me, for we had had a good time on the beach the night before singing the pirates song.

Once they were gone, the place was quiet. For the first time in about 4 days, there was no noise in the house. I set to work sweeping and cleaning up. It was then that I found it. Eomer had left behind a little replica of a horse of Rohan behind. I now have it set up on the desk next to my bed. I hope that someday Eomer and Eowyn come back.. Well, they say that all is well that ends well. This ended well but for the fact that we could not tear Audrey away from a exclusive Theodred poster for the longest time. Meanwhile, my family came home, and everything is back to normal. Sometimes I wonder if it was all a dream, but then I look at my wooden horse, and I know that it wasn't. It was a time for wonderful memories and happiness. (And wonderful company too!) Once in a while, I hope that they will come back.


End file.
